Day Iā€™m not sure!

It’s been a while since I’ve been here. To be honest my heart hasn’t been into it. My focus has been less, in the thick of it, but more so on the root of myself. Every single day my phone will send me a notification from my sober app, which I’ve been ignoring. I am completely surprised today to see I’ve reached a 5 week milestone.

At the very beginning of this journey I started reading The Naked Mind, by Annie Grace. (I haven’t finished yet) She talks about the power of our subconscious. For me personally that’s what I need to change. One of my last posts I did here, I talked about needing to take better care of my “inner me”.

I’ve been working on that a lot. I’m trying to stop believing the lies that seep into my subconscious. To acknowledge myself as not only who I want to be, but also start acting and believing to be the person that I know lives inside of me…….. Does that make sense?

Everyday in my planner I write a few things…….

~I am sober, happy, healthy, and I protect my inner child.~

I can thankfully say, I don’t feel that “witching hour” of anxiety that would usually come in the afternoons anymore. Not to say the thought of having a drink doesn’t come to mind.

Changing my mindset from I am sober day 5, day 17, or whatever day, to Simply changing the mindset that alcohol is NOT a part of me, is what’s working for me now.

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Day 19

I recently read the book The Alchemist. I absolutely loved it! The gist of it being, to follow your dreams and your hearts desire’s. I believe with everything in me that it’s important to listen to your hearts desires! However crazy, or unconventional it may be, you will always be better for it. Currently one of my hearts desires is to become sober. Every morning I write in my planner, I am sober, happy, and healthy. It’s a road I don’t necessarily understand, but I believe that because my heart desires it, I will be better for it.

I’m thankful for all of you here on this same journey, also listening to your own hearts desires.

Day 2.5

Why…….

Because above all, I love life. I love my life. I want to live each day on my terms. Not hungover, and without guilt. I want to enjoy each moment that life presents to me. That does not need to include alcohol.

I am in awe of my body. I am in awe of its strengths. The limits inside of it. Limits that I have yet to find, and hope I never do. The joy and satisfaction I gain by pushing those limits, even just the tiniest bit.

If my body was my girlfriend, I don’t think “she” would be so in Awe of me. I miss treat her. I ingest poison inside of her, and expect her to continually show up with her best self. I take her for granted…. What if “she” didn’t show up anymore? That would be my greatest regret.

In hindsight of having a few drinks, its not worth it. There’s more guilt than there is good times. It brings anxiety, chaos, and laziness. I’m unfocused, and inattentive to my kids. It absolutely is not worth the hangover. They are getting worse and scarring me.

I desire to be…… a mother that is present. A person that is healthy, and fit. Someone that puts good, healthy things into her body. Someone that is happy, and have fun, and enjoy all of life moments in its purest.

Alcohol is a liar… I’m done with that Bitch

Day 30

I’m sitting at my kids soccer practice. Having fucking conversations in my head with my therapist self.

I’m out of jolly ranchers, and I’m out…….

At this point I have intentions of leaving here and meeting my husband at the local brewery…..

It’s summer, and I love summer with all my heart….. but I’ve had this cloud for days, and I want it to go away. I want that warm, fuzzy brain. Happy, carefree, chatty me.

I have 8 min. Until practice is over

~~Therapist self, wonders why I need or want alcohol to achieve these things.

I want to knife my therapist self…..

~~Therapist self wonders how I would feel if M or N jumped off the wagon.

This isn’t about them…..

~~ Therapist self knows you, and wonders what tomorrow will bring. It’s Friday….. and what about Saturday?

Oh well, I gave it a go

~~Therapist self wonders how much guilt you will have making this decision

I don’t understand why this is a thing. WHY IS THIS A THING!!! FUCK

Day 29

To be honest, I feel blah, blah, blah!!!! Is all of this worth it? Is it that big of a deal? I really don’t even think my kids notice that I haven’t been drinking….. A few drinks and these clouds will disappear. It doesn’t have to be drink to hangover level, just happy drinks!

Is it possible to roll your eyes at your own self? Cause that’s what I’m doing……

I need to get off my ass an make some coffee. MORE EYE-ROLLING

Day 24

When I woke up this morning, I had a headache. My first waking thought was oh crap, not again… but then my senses came to me, and I realized I hadn’t been drinking! Just a normal persons headache.

Day by day, somehow I escape with my sobriety. A few days ago our family went to a baseball game. It was super hot, and everyone was drinking….. Ice cold beer. Screw it, I am too!!!! Well I then realized the club seats we had included free food, but not beer. Suddenly that $12 beer was loosing its attraction. Plus a huge storm passed through causing a rain delay, and we retuned home.

Last evening my mom and I went to a local event which was a Vegan bazaar. I was channeling my best yoga, vegan inner self. Never mind the chicken sausage I shoved down my throat right before I left. ANYWHOOOOO……. One of the vendors was selling some cool retro items. Low and behold what was before my eyes!!! A bowl of vintage Girl Scout badges!!! I was grinning from ear to ear! I could kick myself for not purchasing all of them. I feel like it was a sign from God, saying I see you boo, keep up the good work.

Day 21

I always tell people no one ever says,

“Man I really regret doing that workout”.

I guess no one ever says,

“Man I really wish I felt hungover when I woke up today”.

I have such different perspectives from morning to evening. Trying to bridge the gap between them.

Day 20

Flight Attendant life can be so fun and exciting, but also just as blah and boring as this photo. Normally I would be sitting here drinking red wine, completely entertained with my phone. Mindlessly scrolling through social media like a Little social media Fairy dropping likes on everyone’s posts because, I’m a happy little drinker.

I’m still on my phone, but drinking water. Not quite as entertaining but I’ll be glad when I wake up tomorrow morning not hungover.

Random……. every night before bed I drink a big glass of water, and take two fish oil pills. I’ve always been a good sleeper and sleep good all through the night. Now with this sobriety thing, I guess my body is less dehydrated because now I wake up every night and have to pee….. anywhoooooo small price to pay, I guess.

So lately I’ve been feeling a little Arrogant. Like, I totally got this! No big deal, maybe there really wasn’t that big of a problem to begin with. The voices have seemed to dissipate. I worked a trip, no problem…… wellllll that’s because it was a slave trip and I worked 14 hours. No fun just work and sleep, but still.

Today’s work situation was a little different. Not working my normal position, just sitting in meetings all day. There’s people I don’t know and it’s a little uncomfortable. I know everyone is waiting for the day to end, and looking forward to dinner……..and ………… Drinks!!!!

I am sitting there Having conversations in my head with my therapist self…. I’m never going to fit in, everyone here will think I’m a freak, I’m not gonna be included in all the camaraderie, but I am FUN!!! I want to be included in that crowd, I want them to like me…….

All that drama in my head for nothing. As luck would have it, meetings ran long and everyone was too tired to meet up. So I escaped today. Maybe I dropped my sobriety ego a couple of pegs, which is a good thing.

I hope I find the confidence within myself to be able to enjoy social situations without alcohol.

Possibly a camping trip this weekend. I don’t think I’ve ever did that without drinking.

Possibly another Girl Scout badge for me!