Day 21

I always tell people no one ever says,

“Man I really regret doing that workout”.

I guess no one ever says,

“Man I really wish I felt hungover when I woke up today”.

I have such different perspectives from morning to evening. Trying to bridge the gap between them.

Day 20

Flight Attendant life can be so fun and exciting, but also just as blah and boring as this photo. Normally I would be sitting here drinking red wine, completely entertained with my phone. Mindlessly scrolling through social media like a Little social media Fairy dropping likes on everyone’s posts because, I’m a happy little drinker.

I’m still on my phone, but drinking water. Not quite as entertaining but I’ll be glad when I wake up tomorrow morning not hungover.

Random……. every night before bed I drink a big glass of water, and take two fish oil pills. I’ve always been a good sleeper and sleep good all through the night. Now with this sobriety thing, I guess my body is less dehydrated because now I wake up every night and have to pee….. anywhoooooo small price to pay, I guess.

So lately I’ve been feeling a little Arrogant. Like, I totally got this! No big deal, maybe there really wasn’t that big of a problem to begin with. The voices have seemed to dissipate. I worked a trip, no problem…… wellllll that’s because it was a slave trip and I worked 14 hours. No fun just work and sleep, but still.

Today’s work situation was a little different. Not working my normal position, just sitting in meetings all day. There’s people I don’t know and it’s a little uncomfortable. I know everyone is waiting for the day to end, and looking forward to dinner……..and ………… Drinks!!!!

I am sitting there Having conversations in my head with my therapist self…. I’m never going to fit in, everyone here will think I’m a freak, I’m not gonna be included in all the camaraderie, but I am FUN!!! I want to be included in that crowd, I want them to like me…….

All that drama in my head for nothing. As luck would have it, meetings ran long and everyone was too tired to meet up. So I escaped today. Maybe I dropped my sobriety ego a couple of pegs, which is a good thing.

I hope I find the confidence within myself to be able to enjoy social situations without alcohol.

Possibly a camping trip this weekend. I don’t think I’ve ever did that without drinking.

Possibly another Girl Scout badge for me!

Day 17

Sam I Am Not.

I’ve been feeling good! Clearer, and more energetic, more intentional with my actions. It’s become apparent to me how much head space alcohol consumed. I don’t think anyone except for myself realized how much my day and actions revolved around drinking…. Who knows, I may not have been fooling anyone….

If you were to view my Facebook page, you would see sunshine and rainbows. I don’t think social media is the place for airing dirty laundry. You absolutely wouldn’t see me dropping the F bomb. My pastor would see, Gasp!!! Or god forbid my children’s Christian school teachers. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a pretty happy person, but there’s some dark stuff going on that no one sees.

You would see that I used to run motivational fitness groups. Telling people what to eat, while most nights I’m downing alcohol. Not at all practicing what I preach.

You would see I grow organic produce, all the while ingesting poison into my body every day. Waking up sick, and hung over is not the happy organic, grower image I want to portray.

Early mornings at work, waking up a few minutes early to put a cold washcloth on my face to reduce the puffiness……..Secretly carrying a trash bag in my pocket in case I had to throw up in the hotel van on the way to the airport. ……..Last year I remember feeling very nervous going through security at the airport in fear of projectile vomiting. Luckily I made it. If you’re having images of Denzel Washington in the movie flight it’s not like that. I never came to work drunk. I wouldn’t jeopardize that. There were times I could hang with the best of them, and then other times just a few drinks would make me really sick. It was hit or miss. I never knew when it would hit. Who knows though, where this path would continue if I stayed on it.

About a month and a half a go, I recall feeling I passed another low. Carrying my bottle of vodka into another room to quickly without being seen mix a drink. ….. What drink!?!? It’s just Club soda…..

This is a great part of where my guilt comes from. I feel in a lot of ways that I am a fraud. I want to be proud of who I am, not just on the surface.

I am Niki, Niki I am….

Day 13

I haven’t completed day 13, so I guess technically this should be day 12. The discrepancy between this day 13 number and the day 12 number reflecting on my, I am sober app. really irks me!

Very happy to be back in the serenity of my home. The exhaustion I feel from flying all night, and no sleep have kept the voices at bay today. I noticed yesterday that the voices didn’t appear either. There was no mental space, I guess for them as I was working most of the day…… I think there’s “something” to that previous sentence. If I were to put on my super sleuth therapist hat. I may come to the suspicion that it is solely I, that I am battling.

Well no shit, right?

Per the US guidelines, I would say I am an alcoholic. I would say I am not the type of alcoholic that my grandfather was. I grew up in a home where there was zero alcohol. My entire life I heard stories about my grandfather and his disease. How he would go MIA with his paycheck only to return wasted, broke, and abusive. I was never around Anyone my entire childhood that was drunk, or even drinking. My very first experience to this was when I was in junior high. Myself along with my other basketball teammates were having dinner together the night before a game at one of the girls house. In the middle of dinner her dad came home, belligerent drunk. I sat there completely immobilized with fear. I believed with everything inside of me that at any moment he was going to start swinging and things were going to go to shit. That’s what I had been taught to believe being drunk was. Very similar to how I believed, with all my heart Nancy Reagan’s “Say no to drugs” campaign. If you did drugs your brain would fry like an egg on a skillet, and you would become a homeless drug addict.

As the naiveness of my childhood dissipated, so did these very beliefs I once had with all my heart.

I often would travel with a water bottle full of vodka. I must have needed my lunch tote I take to work with me for something at home. I hurriedly emptied out the contents of the bag into the cupboard. Including the “water” bottle. Fast foward a day or two and my husband packs my sons lunch for a field trip that day……. YEP! Vodka/water bottle included. He cane home from school that day and said there was something wrong with his water…… I immediately new what had happened. He said his teacher threw it away and gave him her water. Not a proud mama moment.

I have a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol. One that I can see growing and infesting deeper. Stealing pieces of me slowly. Its standing in my way of me being my authentic self. This sounds so basic, but I’m fueled by this to live my best life. That means feeding my body healthy foods, not crap because I’m drunk or hungover. That means being an engaged mom. That means stop beating myself up, because I know I can do better. That means feeling good, and pushing my body physically, cuz endorphins are pretty awesome. That means I make plans, friends, choices, engagements because I want them. Not because they are centered around alcohol.

I believe in speaking life into people. Primarily my kids. I often go into their rooms while they’re sleeping and speak life into them. Words of fulfillment spoken into their psyche, about their character, and their future.

I am determined to change, to make progress, to never stop working towards my best life. I will speak life into it……. OR Fake it, till I make it!

Day 12

Yesterday at work boring guy asks me out of the blue, while sitting on the jumpseat ” so did you have any alcohol drinks at dinner last night?” WTF! Let me also say he is a 65 year old man. Who says that?

If my work had a drinking contest, I wouldn’t be anywhere near close to being the winner. Not for all people, but for a lot it’s a huge part of this job. Fun new city, no spouse or kids. Work days start and end at crazy times, but no matter what time it is, having drinks is always an option. I feel like I’m sounding like such a hypocrite. Not that it’s for our personal consumption, but there is a plethora of alcohol available at our fingertips……. just sayin…..

I recently just celebrated 20 years of service with my employer. Within the last 6 months two guys that I’ve known since I’ve started have left the company. One was fired for failing his drug test twice. (One is a freebie, with an automatic visit to rehab) He had almost 30 years with the company, and poof! All of it gone. The second one, with equally as many years of service after visiting rehab twice on his on free will retired. His sobriety is that important to him.

Yesterday when I got to my layover the voices in my head were loud. Hahahahah I sound so crazy!!! I swear I’m not…… To be honest I didn’t think I was going to be able to pass on the drinks. What would I tell Sobrietytree and Monicatbd? Would I just disappear from here? I’m so freaking stubborn and competitive, my blog would have to say day 1 again. My crew and I took a 25 mile bike ride along the Alaskan coast. It was wonderful and hot. I heard comments about how good a cold beer was going to be the entire time. Mind over matter. I was channeling that Uber healthy, yoga, vegan person inside of me. We stopped at Lake Hood Seaplane base to watch the planes take off, and have some drinks and food. I ordered a coke… They changed their minds and didn’t want to eat. I’m trying not to get hangry and enjoy the view at this point. My Therapist inner voice is having a dialogue in my head with myself back and fourth.

* This exact situation is something I would’ve encouraged. 12 days ago. Don’t start acting holier than Thou.

* Seriously Sam, how buzzed are you going to get from one beer. It’s not worth it.

* OK maybe you can have a drink another day. Today’s not the day. You have to fly the redeye tomorrow and you’ll feel like crap if you start drinking.

Ok, moving on. We’re back in town and we need to eat. It’s literally midnight my time and I’m hungry. I take food very seriously. The group decides to go to the Mexican restaurant for drinks. I loose my shit inside of my head and leave them.

I’m sad that this may be the reality of what my future looks like. Alone……Sam, sober party of one.

I return to the hotel, shower and contemplate dinner plans. I toss around the idea of going to a popular restaurant that always has live music. In my heart of hearts I know that this will just further my pity party. So I order Thai food.

I know that I need to get out of this funk and listen to Joel Osteen as I’m walking to pick it up. https://youtu.be/WUH6AX3-ezs

I adjust my crown of favor that God has placed on me, and take my Thai food back to my hotel room.

Eating my food I question if I had to choose between alcohol and Thai food, I would choose thai food every time. ❤️