Day 29

To be honest, I feel blah, blah, blah!!!! Is all of this worth it? Is it that big of a deal? I really don’t even think my kids notice that I haven’t been drinking….. A few drinks and these clouds will disappear. It doesn’t have to be drink to hangover level, just happy drinks!

Is it possible to roll your eyes at your own self? Cause that’s what I’m doing……

I need to get off my ass an make some coffee. MORE EYE-ROLLING

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8 thoughts on “Day 29

  1. Funny how the mind plays tricks, isn’t. Ah yes, if only we could moderate, life would indeed seem perfect. But, I’ve tried many times, and it never works out…

    I remind myself that the kids will notice for sure. Maybe much later in life, when/if they go through something similar… or even better, if they manage to avoid it.

    Awesome job writing about it. I just had a private vent myself since it seems the more I do right around here, the more flack I get from my eldest teen. Very discouraging.

    I’m imagining myself having coffee with you of a morning…
    ๐Ÿ˜™โ˜•๏ธ๐Ÿ˜Šโ˜€๏ธ

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    1. p.s. just remembered something… when my dad quit drinking without a word, I remember being scared to say anything about it, since I was afraid it might somehow rock the boat on a good thing… but I definitely noticed. Even as a child. But I was a terrible brat, especially as a teenager… I have the hugest respect for my dad. He was not perfect but I believe he put our needs first, most of the time. I think your kids will feel the same about you. xoxoxo

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      1. ๐Ÿ˜ข thanks! I donโ€™t know when it started, but itโ€™s like one day I started reflecting on myself. (I too was a HUGE brat!! )I believe Iโ€™m a better person for it and hopefully will always continue to look inward and grow, but dang sometimes I wish I could turn that inner dialogue off. People that never question themselves or their life, or that are completely comfortable with a life of mediocrity really intrigue me. I know that by not drinking I have less guilt, and I know I feel better, and I know Iโ€™m a better example to my children. ( this One I donโ€™t 100% agree with. Growing up in a home where alcohol was an absolute sin, I think itโ€™s OK for children to see parents drinking.) From day one I sort of just rolled onto this path. Iโ€™ve never really sat down and figured out what my Why is. At the top of my head I canโ€™t even come up with one. If Iโ€™m going to continue down this path for the long-haul I need to know what my why is…..

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      2. Definitely agree with the why comment.
        Today has been a sh1t day for me at work and I was asking myself these same questions about 8:30a this morning. I still donโ€™t know the answers. I donโ€™t have a lot of positivity to send out today, but thinking about you and N both helped me to not drink.
        One more day down in the books and no clue what tomorrow will bring.
        Sending love!! ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Figuring out the why is definitely tough. I don’t have my phone on me right now or I could look up what I wrote into my quit app (I Am Sober App), but I’m pretty sure it started with was something selfish, and negatively instead of positively phrased… I think it was “So I can stop feeling shame.” The kids came next. It’s that whole “buckle your own seatbelt first” kind of thing…

        the way I managed to come to the why’s was through a couple of private journalling sessions. I chose a time when I would be uninterrupted, first thing in the morning when the brain is rested and fresh… (I woke up around 04:30 to be able to do avoid interruptions ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜†). Then I purged my thoughts until I had an answer.

        It’s like you’re talking to a best friend except it’s the page instead… no judgement on the writing, no trying to write well. I found that after a good bit of spew, the answers started to appear on the page.

        As I heard one writer phrase it, “I write to find out what I have to say.” I usually don’t know, at the outset.

        Ah ok, I hear you on the growing up with the “alcohol is a sin” thing… good to hear it as well, since I want to avoid going in that direction. It’s so tempting, once alcohol has affected us negatively, to make it into something evil… but as I write here to you now, I realize, once again, that nothing is good nor evil in and of itself.

        It’s our actions that make the difference… and my action in drinking was causing problems for me. So it seemed logical to stop. I kept trying to test the boundaries, but every time I tried to moderate my intake, I failed within a week or so. Alcohol is an addictive drug, and some folks are better at moderating than others… ultimately it’s how it affects our lives *in the long game* that matters.

        I loved wine, or rather, its (temporarily!) euphoric effects so much that I could see myself ending up like my mother in law: two bottles a day, internally bitter, and not at all fun to be around. A psychological burden to her sons. Finally dying early, of throat cancer… I did not want that, when I imagined it through to the end.

        To quote, ironically, from her favourite poem, I choose, this day, at least, the harder path…

        “Two roads diverged in a wood, and Iโ€”
        I took the one less traveled by,
        And that has made all the difference.” โ€” Robert Frost.

        .

        Liked by 1 person

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