Sam I Am Not.
I’ve been feeling good! Clearer, and more energetic, more intentional with my actions. It’s become apparent to me how much head space alcohol consumed. I don’t think anyone except for myself realized how much my day and actions revolved around drinking…. Who knows, I may not have been fooling anyone….
If you were to view my Facebook page, you would see sunshine and rainbows. I don’t think social media is the place for airing dirty laundry. You absolutely wouldn’t see me dropping the F bomb. My pastor would see, Gasp!!! Or god forbid my children’s Christian school teachers. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a pretty happy person, but there’s some dark stuff going on that no one sees.
You would see that I used to run motivational fitness groups. Telling people what to eat, while most nights I’m downing alcohol. Not at all practicing what I preach.
You would see I grow organic produce, all the while ingesting poison into my body every day. Waking up sick, and hung over is not the happy organic, grower image I want to portray.
Early mornings at work, waking up a few minutes early to put a cold washcloth on my face to reduce the puffiness……..Secretly carrying a trash bag in my pocket in case I had to throw up in the hotel van on the way to the airport. ……..Last year I remember feeling very nervous going through security at the airport in fear of projectile vomiting. Luckily I made it. If you’re having images of Denzel Washington in the movie flight it’s not like that. I never came to work drunk. I wouldn’t jeopardize that. There were times I could hang with the best of them, and then other times just a few drinks would make me really sick. It was hit or miss. I never knew when it would hit. Who knows though, where this path would continue if I stayed on it.
About a month and a half a go, I recall feeling I passed another low. Carrying my bottle of vodka into another room to quickly without being seen mix a drink. ….. What drink!?!? It’s just Club soda…..
This is a great part of where my guilt comes from. I feel in a lot of ways that I am a fraud. I want to be proud of who I am, not just on the surface.
I am Niki, Niki I am….