Day 17

Sam I Am Not.

I’ve been feeling good! Clearer, and more energetic, more intentional with my actions. It’s become apparent to me how much head space alcohol consumed. I don’t think anyone except for myself realized how much my day and actions revolved around drinking…. Who knows, I may not have been fooling anyone….

If you were to view my Facebook page, you would see sunshine and rainbows. I don’t think social media is the place for airing dirty laundry. You absolutely wouldn’t see me dropping the F bomb. My pastor would see, Gasp!!! Or god forbid my children’s Christian school teachers. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a pretty happy person, but there’s some dark stuff going on that no one sees.

You would see that I used to run motivational fitness groups. Telling people what to eat, while most nights I’m downing alcohol. Not at all practicing what I preach.

You would see I grow organic produce, all the while ingesting poison into my body every day. Waking up sick, and hung over is not the happy organic, grower image I want to portray.

Early mornings at work, waking up a few minutes early to put a cold washcloth on my face to reduce the puffiness……..Secretly carrying a trash bag in my pocket in case I had to throw up in the hotel van on the way to the airport. ……..Last year I remember feeling very nervous going through security at the airport in fear of projectile vomiting. Luckily I made it. If you’re having images of Denzel Washington in the movie flight it’s not like that. I never came to work drunk. I wouldn’t jeopardize that. There were times I could hang with the best of them, and then other times just a few drinks would make me really sick. It was hit or miss. I never knew when it would hit. Who knows though, where this path would continue if I stayed on it.

About a month and a half a go, I recall feeling I passed another low. Carrying my bottle of vodka into another room to quickly without being seen mix a drink. ….. What drink!?!? It’s just Club soda…..

This is a great part of where my guilt comes from. I feel in a lot of ways that I am a fraud. I want to be proud of who I am, not just on the surface.

I am Niki, Niki I am….

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Day 13

I haven’t completed day 13, so I guess technically this should be day 12. The discrepancy between this day 13 number and the day 12 number reflecting on my, I am sober app. really irks me!

Very happy to be back in the serenity of my home. The exhaustion I feel from flying all night, and no sleep have kept the voices at bay today. I noticed yesterday that the voices didn’t appear either. There was no mental space, I guess for them as I was working most of the day…… I think there’s “something” to that previous sentence. If I were to put on my super sleuth therapist hat. I may come to the suspicion that it is solely I, that I am battling.

Well no shit, right?

Per the US guidelines, I would say I am an alcoholic. I would say I am not the type of alcoholic that my grandfather was. I grew up in a home where there was zero alcohol. My entire life I heard stories about my grandfather and his disease. How he would go MIA with his paycheck only to return wasted, broke, and abusive. I was never around Anyone my entire childhood that was drunk, or even drinking. My very first experience to this was when I was in junior high. Myself along with my other basketball teammates were having dinner together the night before a game at one of the girls house. In the middle of dinner her dad came home, belligerent drunk. I sat there completely immobilized with fear. I believed with everything inside of me that at any moment he was going to start swinging and things were going to go to shit. That’s what I had been taught to believe being drunk was. Very similar to how I believed, with all my heart Nancy Reagan’s “Say no to drugs” campaign. If you did drugs your brain would fry like an egg on a skillet, and you would become a homeless drug addict.

As the naiveness of my childhood dissipated, so did these very beliefs I once had with all my heart.

I often would travel with a water bottle full of vodka. I must have needed my lunch tote I take to work with me for something at home. I hurriedly emptied out the contents of the bag into the cupboard. Including the “water” bottle. Fast foward a day or two and my husband packs my sons lunch for a field trip that day……. YEP! Vodka/water bottle included. He cane home from school that day and said there was something wrong with his water…… I immediately new what had happened. He said his teacher threw it away and gave him her water. Not a proud mama moment.

I have a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol. One that I can see growing and infesting deeper. Stealing pieces of me slowly. Its standing in my way of me being my authentic self. This sounds so basic, but I’m fueled by this to live my best life. That means feeding my body healthy foods, not crap because I’m drunk or hungover. That means being an engaged mom. That means stop beating myself up, because I know I can do better. That means feeling good, and pushing my body physically, cuz endorphins are pretty awesome. That means I make plans, friends, choices, engagements because I want them. Not because they are centered around alcohol.

I believe in speaking life into people. Primarily my kids. I often go into their rooms while they’re sleeping and speak life into them. Words of fulfillment spoken into their psyche, about their character, and their future.

I am determined to change, to make progress, to never stop working towards my best life. I will speak life into it……. OR Fake it, till I make it!

Day 12

Yesterday at work boring guy asks me out of the blue, while sitting on the jumpseat ” so did you have any alcohol drinks at dinner last night?” WTF! Let me also say he is a 65 year old man. Who says that?

If my work had a drinking contest, I wouldn’t be anywhere near close to being the winner. Not for all people, but for a lot it’s a huge part of this job. Fun new city, no spouse or kids. Work days start and end at crazy times, but no matter what time it is, having drinks is always an option. I feel like I’m sounding like such a hypocrite. Not that it’s for our personal consumption, but there is a plethora of alcohol available at our fingertips……. just sayin…..

I recently just celebrated 20 years of service with my employer. Within the last 6 months two guys that I’ve known since I’ve started have left the company. One was fired for failing his drug test twice. (One is a freebie, with an automatic visit to rehab) He had almost 30 years with the company, and poof! All of it gone. The second one, with equally as many years of service after visiting rehab twice on his on free will retired. His sobriety is that important to him.

Yesterday when I got to my layover the voices in my head were loud. Hahahahah I sound so crazy!!! I swear I’m not…… To be honest I didn’t think I was going to be able to pass on the drinks. What would I tell Sobrietytree and Monicatbd? Would I just disappear from here? I’m so freaking stubborn and competitive, my blog would have to say day 1 again. My crew and I took a 25 mile bike ride along the Alaskan coast. It was wonderful and hot. I heard comments about how good a cold beer was going to be the entire time. Mind over matter. I was channeling that Uber healthy, yoga, vegan person inside of me. We stopped at Lake Hood Seaplane base to watch the planes take off, and have some drinks and food. I ordered a coke… They changed their minds and didn’t want to eat. I’m trying not to get hangry and enjoy the view at this point. My Therapist inner voice is having a dialogue in my head with myself back and fourth.

* This exact situation is something I would’ve encouraged. 12 days ago. Don’t start acting holier than Thou.

* Seriously Sam, how buzzed are you going to get from one beer. It’s not worth it.

* OK maybe you can have a drink another day. Today’s not the day. You have to fly the redeye tomorrow and you’ll feel like crap if you start drinking.

Ok, moving on. We’re back in town and we need to eat. It’s literally midnight my time and I’m hungry. I take food very seriously. The group decides to go to the Mexican restaurant for drinks. I loose my shit inside of my head and leave them.

I’m sad that this may be the reality of what my future looks like. Alone……Sam, sober party of one.

I return to the hotel, shower and contemplate dinner plans. I toss around the idea of going to a popular restaurant that always has live music. In my heart of hearts I know that this will just further my pity party. So I order Thai food.

I know that I need to get out of this funk and listen to Joel Osteen as I’m walking to pick it up. https://youtu.be/WUH6AX3-ezs

I adjust my crown of favor that God has placed on me, and take my Thai food back to my hotel room.

Eating my food I question if I had to choose between alcohol and Thai food, I would choose thai food every time. ❀️

Day 10

On day One I decided to quit alcohol.

Like I said previously, I jumped into this. I figured I would wade through it as I went. That’s how I roll. What I didn’t realize was how encompassing of so much more that meant.

~ No more quick runs to the local brewery for adult time with Tony. (Literally running, because we work hard, play hard) Please do not suggest a quick run for coffeeπŸ™„ Practically everything we do involves alcohol. I hadn’t put any thought into what a major shift this will cause in our relationship.

~ My job… I’m not gonna get too into this topic, that’s for another day. I would assume that for a lot of people going on vacation includes drinking more alcohol than one would normally on an average day. A lot of my workdays feel like vacation. No kids, no responsibilities, fun destinations. On most layovers you will find me enjoying whatever city I’m in, walking around with a paper coffee cup filled with my drink of choice that day.

I truly believe God had a hand in me missing my last trip. I’ve needed this week at home to allow myself time to just relax and get this ball rolling in the right direction.

Today I am flying with someone that is new to my base. He’s not familiar with my “down to have drinks” reputation. So I just pretended I don’t drink alcohol. He doesn’t know any better. He gave me a little grief. Was I was going to make him drink alone?

oh welll buddy.

We took a beautiful tour around Lake Champlain. It was awkward and uncomfortable. I don’t know him, and We weren’t exactly hitting it off. Ohhhhh how I wished that I could slurp back a few drinks to bring out the chatty me.

But I didn’t 😁

With the concert and the Fourth of July fireworks I really didn’t mind at all being sober. In fact both of these situations I would say , would not have been enhanced with alcohol.

I feel different about today’s outing with my coworker. It totally would have been way better with alcohol.

Nonetheless I didn’t drink. I feel like I just earned another Girl Scout badge βœ… 😁

Even though I’m exhausted from my 3 AM wake up. ( which felt amazing, no puffy eyes before work) Im going to put in a little time at the gym. I blew off boring coworker, and plan on treating myself to a nice dinner.

Day 9

In the mornings I’m centered, and at peace. Alcohol is the last thing on my mind. This is what I want to feel all day.

I purchased 4 games this week for intentional family time. Clue is a childhood favorite of mine.

I’m trying to use my best detective skills today to focus on the facts. To find happiness and peace from them

* I haven’t woke up hungover

*No guilt that I’m waisting my life away

* I’ve had much better interactions with my kids. When drinking, Afternoons and evening usually become unfocused and unorganized.

* better sleep

* I’ve went running 4 times this week in the hot sun. I haven’t been able to do this for years. I normally get sick with a migraine. Call me crazy, but I think it’s because I’m not drinking. My body isn’t in that constant state of dehydration.

* I can’t wait for that glowing skinπŸ€— everyone talks about!

Those are all pretty basic stuff.

To be honest I don’t know how I ended up here. I’m not a writer, nor have I ever kept a journal. I’ve never even read a blog before. I’m sure most cringe at my grammatical misfortunes. BUT!!! I’m so thankful to be here. Reading others stories, help me feel normal. Seeing others slaying their sobriety makes me want to also slay mine.

My phone has become a very convenient connection to a ton of support. I’m so thankful for everyone that has connected with me! ❀️✌🏻

Day 8

Wild and free, is a very popular phrase. It’s everywhere. On T-shirts, journals, stickers….

There is a part of me that is completely WILD AND FREE. Partly because I love life so much. I want to ingest all of it! I want to see and experience Everything! (Except skydiving, and over the top roller coasters) My profession suits me well. Daily monotony would be the death of me. ( My husbands name is Tony…πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ 😜) I am very fortunate to be married to a man that understands this. He is also an amazing father.

I grew up in a very Christian home. That didn’t bode well with my strong willed, defiant personality. I’m also the first born. I really threw my parents for a loop. They didn’t see the likes of me coming. 😁This is the base of my insecurities. I would never live up to the black and white standards my parents raised me to.

I’m a firm believer in staying true to your hearts desires. I don’t believe they are by chance, but for a purpose. For a while now, I’ve had this weird desire to be this natural, yoga, vegan person. It’s hard for me to switch or even add in the yoga because I’m such an endorphin junky. I love my hard, cardio sessions. I’m not a huge meat eater either, but being vegan is 😬 rough. I tried it for two weeks once. Two weeks is also the longest I’ve went without alcohol. The vegan diet made my face break out, and the cheese is like a weird science experiment. No thanks.. Anywhoooo I think the desire is coming from a place deep inside myself craving to fix this alcohol situation.

A few years ago, against our better judgment we agreed to give our son Adderall. He was just a tiny little second grader. He hated taking it. He would cry and say if he continued taking it he wouldn’t be himself anymore…. (we took him off immediately, no regrets by anyone)

I felt like that yesterday. I’m a happy person, but alcohol makes me happier! It puts words in my mouth, when most times I don’t have any. I’ve thought my husband was acting different, but it’s me. My afternoon alcohol induced energy and chatty conversations are gone. ( now I’m crying) I want to be “myself”. I daydream of alcohol parameters. Maybe once a week, or maybe only on Wednesday’s…

You guys know I don’t like doing things I don’t want to do. There has to be a place deep down that wants this, or I wouldn’t be doing this. But I don’t feel it. I want this to feel like something I want to be doing!!!

Day 6

I just bought a 12 pack of sparkling water. I’m about 65% smiling, and 35% rolling my eyes.

Going about my day productively, with intention, and full of energy. Took the kids to lunch, went to play put put golf. …… Then like a switch afternoon comes. As monicatbd (sorry I don’t know how y’all tag others) would say, I start feeling like Captain pissy pants. First I would like to preface that Summer is my favorite season. I love the sun. So much, in fact that I have a trashy, faded sun tattoo on my shoulder. It’s hideous. I think I regret that tattoo more than my drinking. It’s on my back, so I don’t have to look at it. Lol Anywhooooo I love laying out and having a drink. Laying in the sun, with that warm fuzzy brain feeling, just delicious………

NOOOOOO club soda and being present is what you love ……

But I don’t have any club soda, gotta get club soda….

Also text my good friend and admit I’m not drinking…. along with text to my husband saying ” 6 days no alcohol “………….Literally 5 min, 10 min. go by and crickets….. FUCK BOTH OF YOU. 😁

Now I’m pissed, and going to the little store around the corner for club soda. I’ll be dammed if I’m going to drink alcohol after all this stupid dialogue in my head. Three times up and down the isle, and I don’t see any club soda. I feel anxiety and tears wanting to come out. In my head I’m thinking, fix your resting bitch face you look crazy. Soooo I leave….. Drive to the convenience store. Guess what, bwhahahahahahah NO CLUB SODA!!!!! Of course! No problem, I’ll just drive to another freaking store!!!!

Enroute I receive a text from my husband- “congrats, does it get easier every day?”

SMH

Now I’m at the 3rd store….. Mr. vapor, vaping in the produce section. I see you and I’m judging you.

Currently laying in the sun, and drinking sparkling water like a MOFO!

Day 5

I’m curious if the road towards sobriety is a lot like an ex, or perhaps child birth.

Do you romantically remanence only the good times. The friends, late nights, carefree adventures…..

Do those horrific 10 hour spells of vomiting fade away?

This quote is pretty much what I’m going on.

I’ve been drunk, hungover, and felt shame. In that order, so many times that it’s ridiculous.

So for now, I’m going to try something different and see how it works out for me.